I never like to admit this. But I am trying to get better, and I certainly can’t think of a word that more clearly fits the way I’ve been feeling.

Lately, I’ve just been grucible.

Excuse me, you’ve been what, now?

You mean you’ve never heard that word? Please allow me to introduce it to you, because it’s a word that almost everyone needs from time to time.

It’s pronounced like crucible only with the gr- at the beginning – grucible. And I’m not certain when I first heard it, but I believe it was sometime in high school. I have a vague memory of a summertime friend using the word, and my younger self being instantly taken with it.

It means essentially the same thing as fussy. As in, that small child I can hear crying two rows over in the grocery store is being very fussy. Grucible is fussy, only packaged in an older body. It means out of sorts and overwrought and grumpy. It means that if only I was a toddler, someone would take me away from other people and put me down for a nap. It means that whatever we’re doing, I don’t want to do it. Whatever it is, I’m not going to like it. Wherever we’re going, I don’t want to go. Why do I have to and it’s not fair and I don’t like it and are we there yet…

Like I said, I’m trying to get better at just admitting when I’m feeling particularly grucible. To my husband, to my friends, to my coworkers. Not to excuse bad behavior, more as a warning. Grucible just happens sometimes, no fault – no blame, but it’s easier for everyone if the grucible party owns up to it. It gives those around them an opportunity to lower their expectations and makes for less hurt feelings.

My real purpose in bringing this up, though, is because, like any loving parent, God tolerates grucible only up to a point. And then it’s time for an attitude adjustment.

I recently had my attitude adjusted.

I was in the car, feeling grucible. And then grucible expanded into feeling put upon and treated unfairly. Oh, I had worked myself up pretty good.

Switching through radio stations, I landed on the Lauren Daigle song “You Say.” It’s a beautiful song of spiritual truth.

You say I am loved when I can’t feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
And You say I am held when I am falling short
When I don’t belong, oh, You say I am Yours

I wasn’t really hearing words of truth, though; I was hearing words with an attitude like a child sticking my tongue out at the rest of the world, especially those mean old people who were making me grumpy and messing my fun up. You tell ‘em, God. YOU love me, right?

But instead of a warm, snuggly feeling in my heart, I felt a distinct iciness.

Remember that feeling when Mom has finally had enough and jerks you up and snaps “Listen!” in that tone of voice? It was that feeling. It gets your attention.

I didn’t tell you I love you just so you could be all warm and cozy. I didn’t teach you about my love just for you to snatch it up and grip it like a selfish child. I told you I AM LOVE so that you could tell others.

Well…that fixed my little red wagon.

I had gotten caught up in my grucible mood, in how other people’s actions affected me, and completely forgotten my real purpose. Every Christian’s real purpose.

I am love. If you know me, show my love to others.