Pain is a powerful teacher. But what it most easily teaches is fear.

Fear is the voice that says to your spouse, “Yeah, things have gotten better. But we still have so far to go…” Fear doesn’t celebrate small victories or see the possibility of brighter days.

Fear is the voice that says to your child, “I know you’re struggling with what you want to do with your life. But it’s so critical that you make the right decision, right now…” Fear doesn’t believe in taking risks or allowing for mistakes.

Fear is the voice in your head that says to you, “Those little healthy changes you’ve made are going pretty well. But they won’t last. You always disappoint yourself eventually…” Fear doesn’t believe in small steps or second chances.

Fear has no time for relief or understanding or patience or gentleness. Fear sees only the potential for hardship and disappointed expectations and lost opportunities. Fear sees only the possibility of pain. And fear has learned to do anything to avoid pain.

I’ve been rolling these thoughts around my head for a couple of weeks, and they started because of two quotes that I heard. The first one was: “We do not learn from our experiences. We learn from how we reflect on our experiences.”

It’s true, I thought. Sometimes I can float from one life event to the next without really learning. Sometimes it feels like life is just one thing after another…after another…after another. And so I thought to myself, I need more reflection in my life, on things that have happened, on things that I could do better. That’s the way to move forward with wisdom. Lesson learned, congratulations me.    

Oh, but I missed that one tiny word. How. We learn from how we reflect on our experiences. Adding the how is apparently a twist on the original quote, but it’s a crucial one. It says that we choose the framework that we use to turn experiences into lessons.

The next quote I heard, apparently from Mark Twain, highlighted that point:

“We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it and stop there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove lid again, and that is well, but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.”

If I don’t choose how I reflect on my experiences, then fear is the lesson that I learn.

“I definitely won’t try doing that again.”

“We can’t afford to act like our problems are all in the past.”

“Someone has to take charge. I can’t just let go and see what happens!”

Fear is reflection without God.

There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear… I John 4:18

I don’t want to learn fear. I want to learn love.

I want to always learn love.