My word for 2020 was THRIVE. I got the idea of having a “word for the year” from a podcast that I enjoy called “Happier with Gretchen Ruben.” She and her cohost spent an entire episode discussing their word selections, and the word selections emailed in by listeners. It was very motivating. Pick YOUR word for the year – why yes, thank you, I WOULD like to do that. It sounded encouraging and inspirational and aspirational and all the good things. Set a goal, chart a course, make a change. And so, I picked the word THRIVE.

It appears that life did not receive my memo.

When I selected that word, my husband was looking for work while working a temp job, and I was second-guessing pretty much every decision I had made in my life – decisions like ever dropping out of the workforce, purchasing our house, wasting money on that (frankly, unattractive) shirt that I only bought because it fit for one Tuesday afternoon when I had skipped lunch and was at the very pinnacle of a weight-loss effort…you get the picture. But I was ready to THRIVE, I was ready to grow again. When I pictured the word, I pictured a seed. Small but mighty, planted in a spot that was tough, but growing anyway. Taking in every bit of nourishment that it could, pushing up through the soil into the sunlight. And when beaten by the rain, or even trodden on at times, it would continue to grow anyway. In fact, it would grow until a tiny flower bloomed. It would THRIVE.

I was so ready. But I have to confess – this does not feel like thriving. The world pulled a fast one on all of us. My husband is still looking for work, and now he’s working reduced hours at the temp job. And I’m…well, maybe you understand the feeling. I have hunkered down into survival mode. I have contracted my life and tucked myself in for protection. Nothing is terrible, nothing is wonderful. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I don’t dream, I don’t plan, I don’t anticipate. I just move through each day and into the next one, my life contracting and becoming smaller. Nothing here feels like thriving. The problem was, I misunderstood from the start.

See, I thought that I got to decide when the rain would stop. I was under the impression that I would stretch my little plant-self into the sun, and then I would spring up and bloom, and the world would then step back in awe. “Look at that precious itty flower,” the world would say, “step around her carefully now, for she has decided to THRIVE…” Okay, slightly exaggerated for dramatic effect. But I think, deep down, I really did expect circumstances to change to fit my new outlook.

And we are not promised that at all.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

Yep, the same scripture that I quoted in my previous post. And you know why? Because I still haven’t learned it – that’s why. I still haven’t grasped what Jesus said. You will have trouble in this world. You, Michelle. But I have overcome the world. NOT you, Michelle. Not your spunky little plant-self, not your rolled into a protective ball self, not anything by yourself. I – Jesus Christ, Emmanuel, Prince of Peace – I have overcome the world. Now trust in Me.

I still want to THRIVE this year. I still want to grow and learn. Mostly, I want to learn this lesson well, learn to rely on Jesus always. I’ll be honest, I suspect that I will be having this lesson delivered on repeat throughout my life, but I hope to get a little closer each time.